Monday, June 27, 2011

Worthy

I would have been 35 weeks pregnant today. We would have known the gender, we would have had a name, but instead we suffered a miscarriage back in January--four weeks after a typical, healthy eight-week appointment.

At my 12-week appointment, the nurse couldn't find our baby's heartbeat on the Doppler. Then my doctor couldn't find it. They were upbeat and gave a long list of reasons why it was absent, but as everyone left the room and I struggled to keep my composure I remember wondering, Has Grandpa already met my baby? We had buried him two days before. He loved his grandchildren dearly and with sadness we all thought our baby would be the first one he missed.

As it turned out, both of my Grandpas met my baby before I did.

In early spring we visited my brother and sister-in-law and my awesome niece and nephew. They took us to their church where their praise and worship band rocked out the song 'Worthy'. I wish you could have been there. As I sang the words:

You're worthy
You're worthy
You're worthy
You're worthy to be praised
Forever and a day

I thought of eternity and of heaven and a thought hit me that I knew wasn't mine. The still small voice of God reminded me: All of heaven is rejoicing right now.

All. Everyone. Right now. Including my baby. The one whom I have yet to meet. In the midst of pain and questions, I knew God was worthy of my praise and adoration, and I knew my child was praising and loving Jesus along with me--a connection I've been afforded in this life of separation. A connection. A connection through praise. When I praise God, I do so along with my child.

I think my fellow mothers who have suffered a miscarriage will understand the enormity of a connection. Grieving a miscarriage is a lonely affair since there isn't much physical proof. Instead of grieving who was here, you are grieving the who that could have been here--and these could-have-beens are so much more real than any other dreams you have in life. Because the dreams of your baby are simple and known--you know how a tiny hand feels in yours, you know what it feels like to have one snuggle under your chin, the weight of them upon your chest. Their little smiles and laughs and gurgles. And this time, they would have all belonged to you. But before you could name him or hug her or take pictures or make memories, it was all taken away--I don't say that in anger or to accuse--but in gentle surprise. It is as if a wind simply blew them away before we could grab hold of them.

But that day as I worshiped, the wind of God gave me a gift to hold: the gift of praise. A connection to the one I love through praise. (And isn't it so like a loving God to take something that is meant for him and to share it with us?)

* * *

Tonight as I sat on the couch, exhausted and feeling sick, wanting to check out with a movie, I sensed the Spirit nudging me to catch up on some reading, the book of Job of all things. But, he knew what I needed. Tomorrow, we are scheduled for an ultrasound to see if our next baby, nine weeks along, is growing as he or she should be. As delighted as we are with this new development, it's also been bittersweet. I've struggled with anxiety and worries and fears these nine weeks because I don't think I can bear to see another flat line on the ultrasound screen.

But God met me tonight in this place. Rounding out the last chapter of Job these words rang familiar: "I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear; But now my eye sees You". That is exactly how the verses in 'Worthy' end: "O Lord, my ears had heard of You, but now my eyes have seen." The truths of what I've written above flooded my heart and mind again tonight as I sat on the couch. He caused the song "Worthy" to resonate with me months and months ago, not only to remind me that as I praise my Jesus, I do so alongside my child, but also so that as I read Job tonight, I would be encouraged in the face of whatever tomorrow brings. What a personal God! 'How deep a love He brings'. He knew this night would come, he knew how I would be feeling, he knew that I would need to be reassured that as rocky as this life gets at times, he is still Lord, he is still in control, he grieves with me, he is meeting me here, and he will bring beauty from ashes, just as he has in the past.


I don't know how you have responded to all that I've had to say in this post. I feel as though I need to say I'm not special. By that I mean, I haven't done anything to deserve all this divine attention. I think it's God's nature to be always reaching down, showing he cares--whether we see it or not; whether we believe in him or not. I hope you'll have eyes to see him today. I'll be looking for him tomorrow. 


Worthy, You are worthy
Much more worthy than I know
I cannot imagine
Just how glorious You are
And I cannot begin to tell
How deep a love You bring
O Lord my ears have heard of You
But now my eyes have seen

You're worthy
You're worthy
You're worthy
You're worthy to be praised
Forever and a day

Glory, I give glory
To the One who saved my soul
You found me and You freed me
From the shame that was my own
And I cannot begin to tell
How merciful You've been
O Lord, my ears had heard of You
But now my eyes have seen

We'll sing an anthem of the highest praise
We'll sound an anthem of Your glorious name

6 comments:

  1. Pregnancy is a time when a woman not only grows with baby but grows with faith. I'm hoping that you can experience freedom from fear during the remainder of this pregnancy. I'm praying that your baby is healthy and that you will have many, many years with this little one.

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  2. Thanks for sharing, Monica. Blessings!

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  3. Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord. Psalm 31:24 We do have an awesome God...He always gives us what we need, when we don't even know at the time...I just read this verse this morning...Love you dear child and grandchild.

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  4. Beautiful Monica. Have been thinking of you all day.

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  5. You did it!! I know what it feels like to have these kinds of words swirling in your head . . . and to have the courage to let others into your thoughts. God gives us such good gifts!

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  6. Always remember how much you and your family are loved; by God, but also by us mere mortals. We love you and lift you up.

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